Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

The 2001 Golfer’s Almanac

Predictions can be so intriguing. I’m always amazed at the number of people that religiously purchase the Farmer’s Almanac (even though I don't have a clue what the Farmer's Almanac actually is) and other "predictive" books written by mortals. To top it all off you have that stupid groundhog which is supposed to enlighten us with it's shadow or something.

On Groundhog Day I’m always reminded of that time I went gopher hunting with a fellow member at our golf course. In my finest "Elmer Fudd moment", one of those gophers poked his ugly, squeakin’ little head out of his hole and I proceeded to blow it off with my 12 gauge. It was a morbid experience, but a lot of fun nonetheless. I wonder if that groundhog will get the same reward one day from the friendly neighborhood redneck living in it’s community? Some say groundhog stew is quite tasty with a little Cajun barbecue sauce.

In the upcoming golf year, much will be made of Tiger’s records and the term "Grand Slam" will be heard over and over again. Will it be the year of the Tiger? Will it be the year of the Canadians? Will it be the year that I clip my toenails? Only time will tell.

I’m going to go out on a limb and make a few predictions myself. Don’t worry though, I’m not going to bet my life that they’ll turn out to be true. I’m going to call this work "The 2001 Golfer’s Almanac", but you can call it b.s. if you like……

The 2001 Golfers’ Almanac

Masters Predictions: Canadian Mike Weir will win the Masters in a showdown with Tiger Woods and a South American golfer. Actually, the South American golfer (likely an Argentinean) will tie Weir on the last hole, but will forget to take off his "dunce cap" after the round. He will sign for a 67 instead of the 66, which was really his score on the round. Third round leader Greg Norman will balloon to a ghastly score of 98 and will finish well back…… well o.k., probably last. Fuzzy Zoeller, likely a little disappointed in his own play, will suggest that everyone will be eating back bacon and maple syrup for the Champions Dinner – which is indeed what Mike Weir requests.

The US Open Predictions: Tom Watson will chip in from 60 feet up in a pine tree to take the Open title at Southern Hills. In the second round, small guys Jeff Sluman and Ian Woosnam go MIA in the 64'' rough. A search party finally locates them half-way through the fourth round. They are slightly mal-nourished but otherwise O.K.

The British Open: The Open will be cancelled because everyone in the gallery will take off their clothes and run around Royal Lytham and St. Annes naked – just because they're good at it.

The PGA Championship: Sergio Garcia will make a fourth round charge to take the PGA crown. He will be so elated that he won’t be able to stop himself from dancing, skipping, and hopping all the way down the last five fairways. He will coin a wildly popular new dance movement called "The Garcia".

The Ryder Cup: Tom Lehman will hyperventilate and will be replaced by the next US golfer with the most points, which surprisingly will be John Daly. Daly will take a little bit more of a relaxed approach into the Ryder Cup, as he’ll bring the boys from Europe a case of "loud mouth soup" (stout ale). Shockingly the Ryder Cup will be declared a draw as all the competitors will decide to retire in a quaint British Pub to consume more "loud mouth soup" - rather than get harassed by unruly Ryder Cup fans.

I am just working out the odds for these predictions. Very shortly I hope to present my bets to a British "bookie", upon which I should become a kazillionaire. Perhaps you can come visit me on the island paradise I retire to.