Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

In Sickness And In Health, In Bed And In Golf

I know some men that would rather watch a week’s worth of Martha Stewart Christmas Craft Specials then go golfing with their wives. I also know some women that would rather spend a week in a Mongolian football camp then go golfing with their husbands. Men can be jerks and women can be…frustrating. You don’t have to be Dr. Laura to realize that marital problems are rampant in our society. Sometimes this becomes quite evident when viewing the behavior of couples on the golf course (the ones that risk losing it all to play golf together anyway).

On more than one occasion I have noticed couples enjoying themselves on the course – but that was back in ’78 when I was eight years old and I thought that when a woman kicked a man in the groin it meant she liked him. Well O.K, maybe I’ve seen it a few times since then. On one occasion my wife and I played golf with another couple and we all managed to drive back to our place without having to bandage flesh wounds. It was an experience I’ll be proud of forever.

I’m not sure what it is about golf which makes it difficult for husbands and wives to get along while playing. I recently was informed about a fellow who nailed his wife with a ball from twenty feet away. Apparently the impact sent her flying into the pond. Needless to say, she didn’t take it very well. I can certainly see how something like that would be grounds for a little tension. However, barring attempted murder, you’d think keeping the peace with your spouse wouldn’t be all that difficult. My wife and I have devised three rules that help combat marital discord on the course. Perhaps it will help you as well…

Rule #1 – Swearing At Your Spouse Isn’t Very Nice – It Isn’t Allowed

While using profanity towards your enemies is sometimes obligatory, your spouse should not be on the receiving end. If you need to swear, the glue-sniffin’ kid who set the pins is a pretty good target.

Rule #2 – Blurting Out Ill-Timed Advice Or Letting out Blood-Curdling Screams When Your Spouse Screws Up A Shot Is A Flagrant Foul

The only place where delivering spousal recommendations is "dicier", is in bed. It’s a well-known fact that your spouse would rather listen to a duck give instruction than you. As far as "screaming" goes, that also should be more receptive in the bedroom.

Rule #3 – When All Else Fails, Bring A Neutral Third Party onto the Course with You

Ministers, shrinks, marriage counselors, or personal bodyguards can all be used to keep the blows to a minimum on the golf course.

Golfing with your spouse shouldn’t develop into a battle involving cuss words, hair pulling, or hand grenades. Getting along with somebody that flatulates in bed is difficult enough. However, getting along with a spouse that freaks out every time you top-it is worse. When playing the great game of golf together, remember the words you said back when you didn’t realize your partner’s idea of a good time was watching "Survivor" with a beer resting on the "spare tire." The words of course were, "In sickness and in health, in bed and in golf". You remember, don’t you?