Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

The Local Rules of Golf

Life is full of do’s and don’ts. Don’t go faster than 100 M.P.H., don’t do drugs, don’t spit on the sidewalk, don’t lob your bowling ball, don’t pick your nose in public, etc. Do’s would include: do good in school, do love your neighbor, do eat your vegetables, do carry a semi-automatic pistol, do mercilessly empty the clip on passing motorists as they cut you off, etc.

Growing up in the country you learn the rules quick. Or in my case, after a hoof in the teeth, setting the barn on fire, torturing rats (which is quite difficult), multiple “wedgies”, and quite a few good ol’ fashioned beatings, you slowly begin to catch on to a few of the “local rules”.

I’ll never forget the day Willy, one of my elementary school buddies, showed up one morning with his eye black, blue, bloody and swollen shut. It was quite a site for a third grader. The girls screamed and ran away. They guys went, “Ah ya! Awesome! Dude, that looks sooo cool!” Poor Willy had taken a golf club right in the eye. In reality, it was really a sick sight, and thankfully, Willy made it through OK…kind of. Hitting people in the eye with a six iron is blatantly disobeying an unwritten “local rule” which golfers need to adhere to.

The “local rules” at some golf courses offer the management or board of directors an opportunity to pass along some specific “rules” which are relevant to that particular course or geographic territory. For example, the following local rules may need to be incorporated at courses in the following regions.

• Golf Courses In L.A. - After shooting the foursome behind you because they’ve hit too close to your group, please clean up the bodies and empty bullet casings quickly so as not to disrupt play more than necessary.

• Golf Courses In Alaska - In case of grizzly attack, don’t play dead, run like hell - or is it don’t run like hell, play dead? Either way, please don’t use our expensive club rentals to thwart off a bear.

• Golf Courses In Canada - People drinking too much Moosehead will be asked to leave and should go straight to the hockey game where they can act like idiots all they want.

• Golf Courses In Scotland - Gentlemen wearing plaid skirts must also wear underwear.

• Golf Courses In Miami - Please exit the green quickly after you have finished smoking crack, smack, or whatever else you’ve got stashed in your golf bag.

• Golf Courses In Germany - Schtompen on das schnitzel ist verbotten.

• Golf Courses In Mexico - Please bribe the course marshal, golf pro, and starter to increase your chances of a better tee time, improved service, reduced fines, etc. American currency only please.

• Golf Courses In Russia - Please no radioactive or nuclear charged golf balls.

Do yourself a favor and respect the local rules of the particular golf course where you’re playing at. And whatever you do, don’t hit into the group ahead of you while playing golf in L.A. Oh, and if you ever see a Paraguayan guy running around with a glass eye, that’s likely my buddy Willy. You can say hi to him, but whatever you do, don’t shake your six iron in front of his face - all you’d see would be a cloud of smoke heading the direction of Paraguay.