Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

Gentlemen, How’s Your Mojo?

The standard goals of the average North American male include accumulation of automobiles powered by rocket fuel, purchasing high-powered rifles, and of course, picking up chicks. In a recent nation-wide survey the number one item men felt they needed to survive was "a hot blonde with an attitude." Food and water ranked 45th and 97th respectively. Other items in the top ten were motorboats, satellites, missiles, and very big golf clubs. We will concern ourselves then with this most intriguing item that was ranked first on the list – or more specifically, how to attain the number one item while on the golf course (may as well kill two birds with one golf ball - ahem).

Interestingly, many of the conventional or popular tactics of attracting women become obsolete or ineffective on the golf course. In other words, the standard code of ethics regarding babe scouting, planning the approach, and going in for the kill must be abandoned if you want to be a "chick magnet" on the golf course. After all, you’ve got a game to play too.

Surprisingly, being a chick magnet on the golf course comes down to form, your choice of slacks, and something somewhat intangible, which we’ll call, as the great Austin Powers terms, your "Mojo." I shall expand on each of these points.

Form

It cannot be understated that 99% of male golfers, when attempting to look like a touring pro, appear more comparable to Sandra Bernhardt playing a beauty queen. In order to gain the attention of the opposite sex, form must be improved upon before the swing. The pre-shot routine is where you need to make your initial statement. The waggle of the club is an imperative movement which can be expanded to include a noticeable waggle of the buttocks, thus inducing the flow of estrogen in the female. Implementing the rear-end wriggle will be your first strategy.

Choice Of Slacks

We only need look as far as Jesper Parnevik to realize that proper slack selection is fast becoming the unseen (or in his case, the very much seen) advantage when attracting attention from the opposite sex. Your pants should pulsate. Now that at first glance appears to be a dangerous statement. However, when taken in the proper context, one realizes that "pulsating pants" indisputably refers to pants that are alive and full of character. Your slacks should radiate a seductive charm that emanates from every stitch and seam. Try wearing denim cut-offs or burgundy Sansabelts that are four sizes too small.

Your Mojo

As earlier mentioned, "Mojo" is difficult to define. The problem, of course, is that it encompasses many things. It is a special virtue few men can grasp, let alone uphold. It is as mystical as it is palpable. It is as intrinsic as it is extrinsic. To have it is to be it. To be it is to know it. Only the greatest "chick magnets" of our current era can truly guide us. From Austin Powers to Fabio, from Neil Diamond to Julio Iglesias, we must learn from the "great ones" if we ever hope to obtain it for ourselves. A wink to the beautiful woman sitting beside the tee-box, followed with a piercing 3-iron shot into the cup, capped off with a sensual adjustment of the Sansabelts would be a suitable example of golfing "Mojo." How’s your Mojo?

Gentlemen golfers, what then shall we do to capture the elusive maiden? Adhere to traditional courting methods and hope she magically beckons atop her castle fortress? I think not. It is time for male golfers across the globe to make a stand and attain their uppermost dreams. Then again, perhaps a new speedboat will suffice.