Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

Negative Self-Talk On The Golf Course

We’ve all heard the statistics. Golf is 85% mental, 11% physical, 2% luck, and 2% level of intoxicants in the system. I don’t really have a problem with the numbers, however, for somebody like Barney the dinosaur, golf being 85% mental is somewhat scary. I’m convinced that if that big ‘ol, furry purple “thing” (if you ask me, he looks and acts like a retarded dinosaur) would peg it up he’d be lucky to break 1000. He just doesn’t seem to have the mental toughness to play golf at a high level. For example, his stupid laugh followed by, “look boys and girls, watch as Barney attempts to play a bank shot off the tree, off his spleen, and onto the green!”

“Negative Self-Talk” is prevalent among many of the golfing segments, of which “retarded purple dinosaurs” would probably make up the smallest group. Basically everyone who has ever picked up an iron, wood, and especially a putter, has suffered from negative self-talk.

What exactly is negative self-talk, you ask? When you inwardly cite things like “I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough, and darn it all, people don’t like me” you’ve negatively self-talked. Of course, according to the statistics, negative self-talk will severely hamper your game. That’s why I find it intriguing why so many golfers don’t recognize this fact and rectify it (chaining a cannonball onto your leg and jumping off a pier doesn’t count). Perhaps we should start by listing a few possible situations where “negative self-talk” can settle in, and then provide a few alternative ways to deal with the misfortune or the challenge confronting you.

Situation #1 – The Ball Literally Needs To Be Hanging On The Lip In Order For You To Make The Putt

Struggling with the flat stick is all too common. Most people react by thinking negatively. For Example, “My blind, purple, retarded pet dinosaur could make more putts” and so on. In an effort to combat the negative talk in this situation, first grab the guilty putter and snap it over a log. Then vehemently shout vile, and repulsive threats to your new putter, which will likely be your driver. Using a different “putter” should resolve the problem and create a more positive environment.

Situation #2 – You’ve Just Sliced Five Consecutive Tee-Shots Out Of Bounds

Although making a 17 on a hole isn’t really what you had in mind when the day began, keep in mind that hitting five balls OB on one hole isn’t even close to the record. Barney hit 12 consecutive tee shots out of bounds at the “Retarded Dinosaur Classic” golf tournament last July. Nonetheless, your usual reaction in this situation is to impale yourself with the broken shaft of your driver as you scream out confirmation of your self-hatred. Remembering that there is usually somebody that has done worse than you should make you more joyful going back to your bag for more ammo in these situations. Also, if you must, impaling yourself onto a golf club will work best with a top brand xxx stiff steel shaft.

Situation #3 – You’re In The Bunker

Due to obscure reasons, such as the last five times you played a shot from the sand you launched screaming, head-seeking missiles at your playing partners, you have little confidence in the sand. In fact, you’ve just requested that the boys either a) put on protective headgear prior to your shot or b) run away from the area. Believe it or not, these are signs that you are suffering from “negative self-talk”. What you need to do is get the proper legal, accidental death, liability, etc. insurance protection done before hand. This way you won’t have to worry about that stuff on the course and you’ll be able to relax and breathe a whole lot easier in these situations.

Thinking negatively on the course will not do you much good. Take the necessary steps to rid yourself of this corrosive disease. The statistics don’t lie. Golf is 65% mental, 20% physical, 2% luck, and 13% level of intoxicants in the system (I had a little Chardonnay while writing this column).