Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

The Metamorphosis of Golf

People are no longer swinging from vines and our eating habits rarely consist of picking fresh lice out of a fellow family members hair (unfortunately my sisters are a little behind on this one). We have now become human. We are now able to read and write, play with guns and best of all, play with golf clubs. Just like life itself, the game of golf has evolved in many ways.

In the good old days it used to be that after you were done slaughtering a few chickens, milking a few cows, and shoveling a few wheelbarrows full of pig shit, you could grab your clubs and head to the local nine hole goat ranch for a round of golf with some fellow boot-stompin’ hillbillies. After slashing it around with the locals you’d saddle up your mule and meet your cousin Jesse for a few pints at the local waterin’ hole. Then you’d go home, make sure the barn door was closed, and crawl into bed whispering sweet nothings about how you scalped the boys for two bucks to your cuddly, cozy, egg-pickin’, night-cap wearing, good woman wife.

These days you’ve got to grab a semi-automatic pistol, put on your tie, grab your digital phone, call the cab, and race to the office together with ten billion crazy commuters in “grid lock Hades”. After screaming, cursing, and slamming the phone for eight hours (throw in a half an hour here and there for smoke breaks and a few hundred page views from your favorite erotic internet site) and it’s time to head to the driving range to beat a hundred balls with six hundred other soft-bellied, keyboard-clickin’, cyberworld “hackers”.

Some changes in the golf world have been great, but with other changes the transition hasn’t been so smooth. I would like to take this opportunity to examine and rate a few of these “changes”. If you disagree, I’m sure you can find a vine to go swing from somewhere.

Change #1 - The Beverage Cart: This has been an outstanding addition to the golf world. Now, not only is it more convenient to get “loud mouth soup” on the golf course, but you have the added distraction of that beautiful girl driving past you forty-eight times a round. Putting out for your triple bogey and racing over to the “cart of healing and restoration” is not only fun, it’s vital.

Rating: Sure it means that the cost of going golfing goes from $40 to $1,055.75 with tips and taxes, but dehydration isn’t all that appealing either. Rating: NNNN

Change #2 - The Man With The Best Toys/Clubs Wins: If men could use the other side of their brain, this may not have become such a colossal passion in the golf world. What you have is who you are. It’s really quite simple, stupid.

Rating: I don’t have a problem with cool stuff. I like cool stuff. But cool stuff isn’t who I am. I’m a warm-blooded primate, remember? Rating: N

Change #3 - Golf Duds: No longer do we have to dress like colorblind monkeys to play golf. The days of polyester red pants are gone. Sssh! Don’t tell Jesper!

Ratings: Even though I have a Doug Sanders shrine in front of my house, which just so happens to be the home of a hundred monkeys or so (hey, they’re my family), I don’t purchase clothing which has an attached label that reads, “Warning! Do not look directly at this clothing or you will go blind”. Rating: NNN

I suppose the world of golf will continue to change. Just like we suddenly became aware that there was more to life then picking head lice and swinging from vines, the game of golf will reach to new found levels of growth according to the times and the people that govern them. Speaking of a “Governor”, didn’t He have something to do with how we came to be? Either way, I need a banana.