Plugged In The Hazard – Humorous Pro-Spectives On Golf

The Art Of Celebrating A Birdie

Birdies are wonderful things. Not only do you have an achievement to be proud of, but you have a terrific opportunity to celebrate your outstanding accomplishment. It seems to me that creativity is the way to go when communicating your exuberance in the situation. I have made it my task this week to come up with a personal birdie celebration to top all others. It will be my trademark.

Tiger's "fist pump" is a powerful move. It should be respected and feared, for in it lies the heart and soul of a champion - one of the greatest to walk among us. In all honesty however, this "fist pump" lacks the creativity and charm of other birdie celebrations we have come to know. Chi Chi's sword routine, for example, is a finely crafted, entertaining spectacle. People stand back and "eat it up". Anyone can pump a fist, but nobody can make a "kill" quite like Chi Chi.

My birdie celebration will also be unique and entertaining. It will be dramatic and daring. Here are my ideas so far, complete with pros and cons.

1) Taking off my shirt and doing a high speed sprint around the green - similar to what soccer players do after a goal.

Pros - This move would be exciting for the fans, as it is a rarity to witness nakedness on the course.

Cons - I'd probably cough up a lung after running. I may also blind the gallery with my chalk-white body.

2) Quickly drawing my six-shooter out of its holster and firing three shots into the air - following each shot I would bellow a loud "Yee Haw!"

Pros - Guns are loud and intimidating - real showstoppers. Everyone loves good gunplay (check out "The Untouchables").

Cons - Registering guns is a nuisance and having a holster on while playing could be bothersome.

3) Performing a gymnastics "tumbling" routine on the green - similar to what Ozzie Smith used to do with the St. Louis Cardinals.

Pros - Gymnastics are very entertaining. The "floor exercise" or "tumbling" are always fan favorites.

Cons - Tumbling with spikes on could be dangerous. An ill-timed landing could spell disaster for someone in the gallery.

4) Performing a funky dance routine - kind of like the NFL football players do in the endzone after scoring a touchdown.

Pros - Dances can always be choreographed to include original moves and complete tastelessness all at the same time.

Cons - Some perceive male dancing to be "tacky" - I may get the nickname "twinkle-toes".

5) Diving into the gallery - kind of like what the Green Bay Packers always do in the stands at Lambough Field.

Pros - This would go over well with the young people, as it would remind them of being at a Pearl Jam concert.

Cons - Being dropped could be embarrassing and painful. The celebration would take a deflating turn for the worse in a heartbeat.

6) Sticking the club between my legs and riding it like a horse as I gallop around the green shouting "ride em' cowboy!" - similar to what Tiger Williams used to do with his hockey stick when he played for the Toronto Maple Leafs in the late '70's and early '80's.

Pros - This would be a good one for the kids.

Cons - People might think I was strange. They might ask me to return to my ranch.

7) Shaking a can of beer and "shotgunning" it in front of the gallery, then crushing it into a twisted tin ball and finally throwing it into the gallery - a.k.a. - "The 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin Thing."

Pros - I like beer. Beer is yummy.

Cons - Going on a birdie binge could prove detrimental to my success. My language would drastically deteriorate, my vision would become blurred, and I would have a tough time walking a straight line to my ball.

I'm not quite sure which celebration I'm going to choose. If I went to the gym a little more often I might choose #1. I like playing with guns, however, most of my cohorts may not be too pleased seeing me with live ammunition on the golf course. In addition, one can seemingly never go wrong with beer. Rats. I'm not sure what to do. Hopefully by the time the season starts I'll have figured it out. Until then I guess we'll be stuck with "fist pumps" and "sword routines."